I’ve been forced to make a lot of big decisions lately. Most of that is my fault, because at the last minute I decided to start school in the fall instead of the spring.
Last week, I was in a dead fall of anxiety and stress as I was waiting for my first classes to begin, and nothing was helping me, so I watched Mad Max. I didn’t have to pay a lot of attention to the movie because I had watched it before, and there isn’t a lot going on other than the cars driving at top speed across the desert. [SPOILER!] They try to escape a problem by running away, and figure out that the solution lies in going back to where they started. [END SPOILER] It was just what I needed.
In this last week and a half, I have been to all of my classes other than my online Chemistry class that starts in mid-September, and I have learned some new things about myself.
- I don’t like the classes that are just lectures. I don’t think my body knows how to function on the level to do all of the note taking needed at the speeds needed for those classes. My brain communication with my hand and my eyes just doesn’t add up to what ends up on the paper. Especially biology! Argh! Fuck you, epilepsy!
- I like the labs a lot more than I expected so far.
- My math skills have not all disappeared in these last 20ish years.
In the midst of my school madness, my kids are dealing with school, and all of their extracurricular things, and I also have my many doctor appointments every week. Some days when I look at the calendar I just want to cry, but I have my mom, I have my husband, and we make it work.
I started a new round of physical therapy yesterday, and I had to go through the routine of explaining everything that’s wrong with me. I got the usual, “You’re dealing with all of this so well!,” response. I don’t know how else I should be dealing with my issues, but these people certainly don’t see me on my bad days, though yesterday was pretty bad! I was mostly just tired because I had my Benlysta infusion in the morning. The bad time didn’t hit until I got home from physical therapy, and crashed on my bed for a couple hours of dead to the worldness.
The people at CVS Specialty Pharmacy who I call every day trying to get my Botox prescription filled for my migraines for the last 6 months have heard me at my worst, and I still don’t have my medicine.
I’m not sure what I would like to hear from these medical professionals, but I don’t want to hear that I’m dealing with it well anymore. It’s just frustrating!
The next movie in my lineup is Terminator 2, so we’ll see what that cures.