This week should not have been so difficult. It has been busy, but my kids are still in summer camp, and it’s their last week of camp, so I should be enjoying every minute of peace that I get in the mornings while they are there.
Mostly I have been scrambling like a loon, trying to schedule appointments, get to appointments that I have already scheduled, and stay sane in the process. The last bit is where I seem to be failing. I think I have tried so hard to be so many things to so many people these last few weeks, and I have failed to take care of myself. I have overdone things, I have spent too much time in the sun, I have let stress get to me, and I let people (and myself) pressure me into doing more than I should.
Today I paid the price. I was so very proud of myself yesterday when I looked at the number of steps I got on my FitBit. I had reached more than double my goal again even with a long afternoon nap, and I had done my exercise routine for 2 days in a row. Bonus! This morning I couldn’t get out of bed. Going down the stairs brought the risk of a fall, so I stayed put. Last night my body gave me so much grief, and wouldn’t let me sleep comfortably even with my good pain meds. I can live with the physical pain. I’m used to it. I just feel like an idiot for letting myself get so out of control, and letting things get to the point where I can’t sleep, and I can’t get out of bed. Argh!
I’m not sure if I get out of control because my Benlysta infusions suddenly make me feel better for a few days, or if I’m slowly getting over this long flare. I guess I’ll have to wait and see as my treatments go on.
Overall, the summer has just been a series of too many things. At least one person in the house has been sick this whole summer, and I am supposed to avoid sick people at all cost. My relationship with my family is a lot of, “I love you, don’t touch me!” Our cats are on a mighty fighting spree, and we have a new kitten who is intervening by being a ridiculously cute distraction. Now we’re going to try calming collars to see if those will help.
I have told my family and my therapist that what I really want is a vacation from everything. By myself. I haven’t really been left alone since I started having seizures in 2012, so I think some alone time will do me a lot of good. No one really wants to give me this alone time, but I will take what is mine. I’ve accepted that it won’t happen until the kids start school, but that’s fine.
As for the rest of summer, we will see how many of us make it to the beginning of the school year unscathed. I have given up counting how many fights I break up on a daily basis. Siblings can be brutal, and wonderful minute by minute.
One. More. Month.